


How to Completely Compromise your Masculinity in Five Easy Steps

by persnickett



Category: Live Free or Die Hard (2007)
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-17
Updated: 2011-02-17
Packaged: 2017-10-15 17:52:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/163337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/persnickett/pseuds/persnickett
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five things by Matt Farrell</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Completely Compromise your Masculinity in Five Easy Steps

**Author's Note:**

> Sarcasm Warning.

**Step 1.    Meet John McClane.**     

If that doesn’t do it, doesn’t immediately shrivel your balls and completely invert your genitalia in the first .67 seconds, if the gruff monosyllable that can’t exactly be classified as a ‘greeting’ but more of a vague threat, if the flash of the badge and exposing of the gun, and the whole doublewide-chest-and-shoulders-meets-bald-eagle intimidation package aren’t doing it for you, you can always:  
 ****

 **  
Step 2.    Introduce yourself as ‘Daisy’.**

 ****This one is a risky move for all kinds of reasons we won’t go into, like lying to cops, and lying to _McClane_ , and giving McClane just the right wrong idea about things you may not have known until right this minute that you might be open to. But if you absolutely have to resort to it, it is really pretty effective.

 

 **Step 3.    Get in McClane’s car.**

Can’t stress this one enough. It doesn’t even have to be his car. It can be a stolen car, or a car you ‘borrowed’ from the only person still online during this pre-apocalyptic nightmare who you can tentatively call a ‘friend’. But McClane will use that car to save your life, and  launch assassins into the air, and take down helicopters with fire hydrants, and save your life a couple more times, and then he will light it on fire and throw it at something. Something like another helicopter. And you? You will hyperventilate, and cut your knees, and worry more about getting him to the doctor than saving the rest of the country, and you will not learn your lesson from any of it. You will get in yet another car ( _and_ yet another fucking helicopter) with the man and have extremely un-subtle conversations about how _lonely_ it is to be a big damn hero and how you could never be as wonderful and badass and, just, _that guy_ , as he is. And you will definitely NOT use the word _dashing_ , but still, he will take his eyes off the road a little too long to look at you, and you will get this weird fluttery feeling low down in your gut that could be because McClane might be about to drive you both off the road, but it is probably because he’s looking at you with those…and he just told you…well just trust us, there’s definitely nothing masculine about it at all.

 

 **Step 4.    Take the tunnel.**

We mean it. If you aren’t 100% committed to this whole plan to ditch any and all semblance of being recognizable as a man in any way shape or form, stop reading now, and take the fucking bridge.

 

 **Step 5.    Fall in love with John McClane.**

This one might sound tricky, and it is. Not because it’s hard, but because you won’t notice you’ve accomplished it until you’ve put your life in countless kinds of danger – totally helping McClane save the day, thanks – and you’re sitting in an ambulance with a gunshot wound and a morphine drip and his completely hot daughter staring at you. And it might not be the love thing, it might be the drugs, you really hope it’s the drugs, but all you can think about is if you hooked up with that, whether McClane would kill you in some messy, unpleasant way for touching his little girl, or kill you in some messy unpleasant way for touching somebody who isn’t John McClane.

 

If this tutorial hasn’t worked for you, we regret there are no refunds. Because if after all of this, you are still walking around thinking you are the man, you just have no other recourse but to let John McClane take you home and SHOW you who the man is. And that particular service is pretty exclusive right now, and we are not currently adding to our waiting list. We thank you for your patronage, however…and do have very important …things to get back to doing. So…

 

Excuse us, won’t you?  
 

 

 

 

______________________  
'Snick, October 2010 


End file.
